80% of the brain has developed by the time a child is 5 years-old and entering Kindergarten. Imagine a child who has been strapped in a chair for the first five years of life and then is asked to get up and run, vs. a child who has been given exercise the whole time. Who would win the race of life?
The brain is just like other muscles in the body and needs stimulation, interaction and exercise. What we can do to give our children the tools and foundations for success are simple proven and easy to do. This site and the Seeds of Compassion program offer some knowledge, tools and insights as to how to build a strong set of foundations. One critical area is what is termed “Social-Emotional Development”.
Social and Emotional Development
What is Social-Emotional Development (SED)?
Healthy social and emotional development is defined as: a child’s capacity to identify, understand, experience, manage, and express a full range of positive and negative emotions in a productive way; regulate one’s own behavior such as being able to calm down; being able to accurately read another person’s emotions; develop empathy for others; develop and sustain close, satisfying relationships with other children and adults; and actively explore the environment and learn.
The Human Brain is Wired for Emotions.
Emotions are a biologically based aspect of human functioning and are actually built into the structure of young children’s brains in response to their individual life experiences. Relationships affect brain development because young children develop in the context of relationships. In fact, research has found that the critical brain connections that determine emotional, social and intellectual development are primarily formed by attentive care and nurturing stimulation. Parents and other caregivers strongly affect the wiring of the brain through interactions with their infant, toddler, or preschooler. Positive early relationships critically influence a child’s ability to achieve success in school and in life.
What Emotions do Children Experience?
Even very young children have the capacity to feel deep and intense emotions. The majority of specific emotions emerge during the first three years of life. Emotions continue to develop throughout the course of life but the major attainments occur from birth to age three.
From birth to 6 months of age the following emotions emerge:
These emotions are known as primary emotions:
•Contentment and Joy
• Interest and surprise
• Distress, sadness, and disgust
• Anger (appears around 4 – 6 months of age)
• Fear (appears around 6 – 8 months of age)
From about 24 – 36 months of age the following emotions emerge:
Child’s capacity to evaluate their own behavior against a standard (for example, parent or teacher praise, or the child’s own rules for behavior) including:
Compassion is an understanding of the emotional state of another. Not to be confused with empathy, compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another or to show special kindness to those who suffer. However, compassion may lead an individual to feel empathy with another person.
The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice.
Meditate upon it in the morning (you can do it while checking email), think about it when you interact with others, and reflect on it at night. In this way, it becomes a part of your life. Or as the Dalai Lama also said, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”
Let’s use the Wikipedia definition of Compassion: “Compassion is an emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.
Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion.
Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering.
Why develop compassion in your life? Well, there are scientific studies that suggest there are physical benefits to practicing compassion — people who practice it produce 100 percent more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process, and 23 percent less cortisol — the “stress hormone.”
But there are other benefits as well, and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy. If we agree that it is a common aim of each of us to strive to be happy, then compassion is one of the main tools for achieving that happiness. It is therefore of utmost importance that we cultivate compassion in our lives and practice compassion every day.
How do we do that? This guide contains 7 different practices that you can try out and perhaps incorporate into your every day life.
7 Compassion Practices:
1. Morning ritual. Greet each morning with a ritual. Try this one, suggest by the Dalai Lama: “Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” Then, when you’ve done this, try one of the practices below.
2. Empathy Practice. The first step in cultivating compassion is to develop empathy for your fellow human beings. Many of us believe that we have empathy, and on some level nearly all of us do. But many times we are centered on ourselves (I’m no exception) and we let our sense of empathy get rusty. Try this practice: Imagine that a loved one is suffering. Something terrible has happened to him or her. Now try to imagine the pain they are going through. Imagine the suffering in as much detail as possible. After doing this practice for a couple of weeks, you should try moving on to imagining the suffering of others you know, not just those who are close to you.
3. Commonalities practice. Instead of recognizing the differences between yourself and others, try to recognize what you have in common. At the root of it all, we are all human beings. We need food, and shelter, and love. We crave attention, and recognition, and affection, and above all, happiness. Reflect on these commonalities you have with every other human being, and ignore the differences. One of the best exercises comes from a great article from Ode Magazine — it’s a five-step exercise to try when you meet friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person. With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:
— Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”
— Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
— Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
— Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
— Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
4. Relief of suffering practice. Once you can empathize with another person, and understand his humanity and suffering, the next step is to want that person to be free from suffering. This is the heart of compassion — actually the definition of it. Try this exercise: Imagine the suffering of a human being you’ve met recently. Now imagine that you are the one going through that suffering. Reflect on how much you would like that suffering to end. Reflect on how happy you would be if another human being desired your suffering to end, and acted upon it. Open your heart to that human being and if you feel even a little that you’d want their suffering to end, reflect on that feeling. That’s the feeling that you want to develop. With constant practice, that feeling can be grown and nurtured.
5. Act of kindness practice. Now that you’ve gotten good at the 4th practice, take the exercise a step further. Imagine again the suffering of someone you know or met recently. Imagine again that you are that person, and are going through that suffering. Now imagine that another human being would like your suffering to end — perhaps your mother or another loved one. What would you like for that person to do to end your suffering? Now reverse roles: you are the person who desires for the other person’s suffering to end. Imagine that you do something to help ease the suffering, or end it completely. Once you get good at this stage, practice doing something small each day to help end the suffering of others, even in a tiny way. Even a smile, or a kind word, or doing an errand or chore, or just talking about a problem with another person. Practice doing something kind to help ease the suffering of others. When you are good at this, find a way to make it a daily practice, and eventually a throughout-the-day practice.
6. Those who mistreat us practice. The final stage in these compassion practices is to not only want to ease the suffering of those we love and meet, but even those who mistreat us. When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person. Once you have mastered this practice of reflection, try acting with compassion and understanding the next time a person treats you. Do it in little doses, until you are good at it. Practice makes perfect.
7. Evening routine. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes before you go to bed to reflect upon your day. Think about the people you met and talked to, and how you treated each other. Think about your goal that you stated this morning, to act with compassion towards others. How well did you do? What could you do better? What did you learn from your experiences today? And if you have time, try one of the above practices and exercises.
These compassionate practices can be done anywhere, any time: At work, at home, on the road, while traveling, while at a store, while at the home of a friend or family member. By sandwiching your day with a morning and evening ritual, you can frame your day properly, in an attitude of trying to practice compassion and develop it within yourself. And with practice, you can begin to do it throughout the day, and throughout your lifetime.
This, above all, with bring happiness to your life and to those around you.”
Is compassion biological and innate in human beings?
Compassion is feeling concern toward another person’s well being. Recent research studies have revealed that compassion is embedded in the brain and biology. Humans are wired to respond to others in need and when humans feel compassion towards others they experience a chemical reaction in the brain that causes them to be more compassionate. Children will demonstrate sympathy as young as three and half years of age. Parents can foster the development of compassion in their children through modeling compassionate behaviors.
Why is Social-Emotional Development Critical?
Social-emotional development is the foundation for success in school and in life. It is a better predictor of adult success than intelligence quotient scores (IQ). Children who learn social-emotional skills early in life are confident, trusting, empathetic, intellectually inquisitive, communicative, and capable of relating well to others. Emotion regulation is critical to learning; when feelings are not managed or regulated well, thinking can be impaired and the brain cannot learn.
There is a great deal of data indicating that large numbers of children are dealing with significant social, emotional, and mental health barriers to their success in school and life. In addition, many children engage in challenging behaviors that educators must address to provide high quality instruction. Data from the 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey stated that:
• 6.0% of U.S. youth 14-17 years old did not go to school on one or more of the previous 30 days because they felt unsafe at school or on their way to or from school.
• 7.9% of these youth reported having been threatened or injured with a weapon on school property during this same period.
• 28.5% of these youth reported having felt so sad or hopeless almost every day for two weeks or more in a row during the previous 12 months that they stopped doing some usual activities.
• 13% reported actually having made a plan to attempt suicide during this period. Data on developmental assets considered important to children’s mental health and social/emotional development are also cause for concern.
A 2003 Search Institute survey of 202 U.S. communities found that:
• Only 29% of students in 6th through 12th grade thought their school provided them with a caring, encouraging environment.
Data reported by the Illinois Children’s Mental Health Task Force in its 2003 Final Report state that:
• At least 1 child in 10 suffers from a mental illness that severely disrupts daily functioning at home, in school, or in the community.
• 70-80% of children in need don’t receive appropriate mental health services.
• 25-30% of American children experience school adjustment problems.
• 32% of children (including toddlers) at 10 Chicago childcare centers are deemed to have behavioral problems.
• 14% of students 12-18 years of age report having been bullied at school in the six months prior to being interviewed.
What Can Adults do to Support Social-Emotional Development?
Caring adults can support social-emotional development in children. Young children need:
• Attentive, sensitive and warm, reliable and consistent and loving care and interaction from parents and other caregivers.
• A nurturing relationship with at least one parent or primary caregiver.
• Adults to talk about emotions with them and help find solutions to emotional moments.
• Parents and caregivers with social-emotional supports in their own life. Playful interactions with caring adults: play, read, sing, cuddle, talk and ask questions.
• Encouragement, support, and guidance throughout the lifetime.
Parent-child relationships are the first social relationships that children have in their life. Through everyday parent-child interactions children learn what means to care for another person. Children learn “I am worth it, I am loved.” Children learn how it good it feels to have loving relationships with others and how good it feels to care about other people. Caring for others and forming relationships are essential features of being a human being.